Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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