When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
