im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
