I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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