He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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