omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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