We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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