i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
