Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize