is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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