Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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