i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
