Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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