dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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