I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
