He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
