Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
be right there i have to get my cape
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
