So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
