the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
