whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
