i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
