I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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