I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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