I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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