i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
