cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
