Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
