She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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