He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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