if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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