apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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