Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
