if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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