i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
