Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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