So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
