Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
