I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Are we still banned from the library?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
