I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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