Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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