It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
