It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
