her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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