Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
