i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
