My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
