I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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