I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think people are normalizing furries
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
