Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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