i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
