Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You made out with two different species that night
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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