you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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