He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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