my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
