sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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