Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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