I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
