I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
