you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
