So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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