he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
