Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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