I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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