Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
