He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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