Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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