I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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