Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
