you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
