I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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